Uprooting Insecurity

If I’m being honest, sometimes when I lead worship, my thoughts are all over the place. If I’m being REALLY honest, my thoughts aren’t as spiritual as I hope they would be…

“What are the words to this song again?” “Is that guy eating a hot dog in the back pew???” “Does my hair look good?” “Does my hair look bad?” “Oh I’ve been staring at the lyrics too much, I need to look over to the other side of the room.” “Was that vocal run too much?” “People are just staring at me, this song is not going well.” “I wonder what they think of me.”

These are legitimate thoughts I’ve had while leading worship, and it’s hard to look at. Now that doesn’t happen every time I’m up on a stage leading, but for a long time, it happened often. Instead of dwelling on the things of God and paying attention to what was happening in the room, I was distracted by things that didn’t really matter.

Insecurity is a wide-spreading weed that digs deep into the corners of your life and manifests itself in a thousand different ways. You can spend all day chopping off the visible evidence of insecurity, but unless you go underneath the surface and start pulling up the roots, its return is inevitable.

For years, I avoided the roots. It is much easier to focus on correcting behavior instead of actually uncovering the source of the problem. Digging up the root is the hard part. It’s difficult work where your hands get dirty. It tends to be messy and complicated. It’s never easy, but life change is found there.

Almost exactly a year ago, weeds were pulled up in my life.

While on a spiritual retreat in the middle of the mountains of Colorado, I had a lot of time for quiet moments with the Lord. No cell service, no highway noise, and no responsibilities, just clean crisp air, beautiful surroundings, and distraction-free moments with the divine. Through community, time in scripture, prayer, and worship, eventually there was some sort of shift in me that week. The insecurities I’ve fought against for most of my life felt suddenly unshackled. Something changed.

Later that week, I jumped into leading a set with zero preparation, even to the point of not knowing one of the songs I was leading! This time my mind wasn’t clouded with endless distractions. I didn’t care if I messed up, how I looked, or what people thought of how I was leading. I just wanted us to meet with Jesus in that moment, and not miss the main thing, Him. I made a ton of mistakes and fumbled over a few words, but for once, I didn’t care. Jesus became the main thing.

Afterward, some friends came up and told me they’d never seen me lead like that.

They said I seemed “free.”

But maybe you’re reading this, and you don’t feel free.

If you’ve felt enslaved to insecurity, just know that there is no bond that Jesus can’t break. Full and abundant life, free from insecurity, is possible. Take a deep breath. Lower your shoulders. Remember who you are as a believer…a child of God.

Look up from your failures. Look up from your shortcomings. Look up from your insufficiencies. Instead, look to the Savior who makes all things right. Look to the One whose perfect blood is sufficient for any offense, no matter how egregious. Look to one who loves you with no caveats.

Stop performing. Stop striving. Stop overthinking.

Look to Him, and live.